After you get over the intial gut-wrenching pain and fear of being without someone you’ve known for a number of months (or years, as the case maybe) which always results in the infamous “Ugly Cry,” where your face is all scrunched up, red, oozing liquid from eyes and nose, tons of tissues strewn about, messy hair and other not-so-attractive characteristics, you have to get down to business. Business of moving forward, even if you’d rather not.
You know, things like deciding if you’re going to keep your Facebook Account. And if you are going to keep your Facebook account who do you need to purge from the list? It’s unpleasant to log-in and see a status update from the ex, or his best friend, or perhaps worst of all his family who you love and miss. Oh, and don’t forget about the cute couple pictures. DELETE; you have a copy on your computer anyway. Not to mention the obnoxious business of changing your relationship status which appears in two or three spots on your profile and potentially your friends’ walls if you have that box checked. It’s rather agonizing, really but two bonus points for you if you get through it without crying.
Then there’s the issue of the various reminders hanging out in your room. Picture frames. Little cards and notes. Stuffed animals. Paintings. Sculptures. You don’t necessarily want to throw them out because they still mean something to you, with or without a relationship. Best to box ‘em up and save them for a day when you can face them.
Don’t forget your stuff! If you lived together or practially lived together there’s a good chance that you amassed a fair amount of stuff at his place/your place. It’s easiest to approach the exchange of stuff via text or email and agree on a drop-off point or time, preferably not face to face as that could totally set you back about two weeks in the recovery process. If a drop off isn’t feasible, ask a friend to go get it for you or at least, go with you. This can be just as challenging as declaring your singledom to the world because I bet you forgot about that particular gift/note/memorabilia that he gave to you and you accidentally left at his place. When it shows up in the box(es) or bag(s) of stuff that’s been returned to you, be prepared for a return of the “Ugly Cry.”
Lastly we have the reconnection to the life pre-relationship which can be quite tricky. It’s not that the relationship was your whole life but you have to retrain everyone in your life to think of you as YOU and not “You + boyfriend.” This can be tough especially in your mid-twenties when 95% of your friends have already taken the engaged/married plunge, married + kid plunge, or are about to be one of the three. Their weekends are sacred, which is something you know well but the weekends are such a large expanse of time. Time to be alone. Time to reflect. Time that can be dangerous. Staying busy as a bee is the only way.
Your friends and family will marvel at how organized and clean things are. You’ll send more emails and snail mail. Your Google Reader will be clean. Your gym membership will finally get it’s money’s worth. You’ll investigate new areas of interest. You’ll try out various volunteering jobs until you find one that you really like. You’ll spend more time with your Gram. You’ll plow through your “to be read,” pile. You’ll add sexy new clothes to your closet. You’ll earn frequent flyer miles as you traipse about the country in search of the next big adventure.
And best of all? You’ll find that you can survive.
Quite some time ago, I confessed that I have a thing for Tyler Perry movies. As in, I kind of love them. While I realize I’m likely not his target demographic, the messages are strong and the movies are funny, insightful and enjoyable. Last night I watched one I had not seen before and lucky me, Maya Angelou was in the movie, playing, I suspect herself and her character at the same time. So today’s post is all about Maya Angelou and a few of my favorite quotes from her because everyone needs a little inspiration and uplifiting, right?
“Love is many things. It is varied. One thing love is not, is unsure.” – Maya Angelou
“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” – Maya Angelou
“If you have only one smile in you give it to the people you love.” – Maya Angelou
Do you have a favorite go-to quote that makes everything a little bit better for you?
The weekend was dressing up and going to listen to my dad’s band play. It was trying new appetizers. It was avoiding alcoholic drinks because of my antibiotics. It was laughing with a friend I haven’t seen in a long time. It was trying to guess if that guy was single, or maybe that one? It was moments of loneliness that showed up at the oddest of times, like in a crowded bar or around my family. It was being an adult in ending the night early, giving into sleep.
The weekend was spending an hour in a used bookstore, scouring the books with Darling. It was spending $30 on books and adding six more to my TBR stack. It was enjoying 70 degree weather. It was munching on my favorite sandwich during lunch with my parents. It was raking leaves until my arms felt like they were going to fall off. It was falling off the NaBloPoMo wagon because I didn’t have anything happy to post. It was receiving word that a friend of mine was critically injured in Afghanistan. It was carrying my cell phone around in case we received an update.
The weekend was distracting myself from the loneliness and sad news by shopping. It was a Saturday evening spent with Jim Carrey and his 3-D world that is ” A Christmas Carol.” It was time on the couch with my pup and some ice cream. It was lighting prayer candles for my friend and his family. It was fighting back tears of confusion, hurt and sadness.
The weekend was conversations with Darling over a peppermint hot chocolate. It was Sunday morning breakfast with my Gram. It was biting my tongue over the subtle political nuances. It was Christmas present shopping at Target. It was throwing myself into making a delicious dinner for my parents. It was finishing a book that I couldn’t have read at a more perfect time in my life (Second Chance, by Jane Green). It was getting lost in the world of Stars Hollow a few too many times.
It was getting to know myself better. It was being there for my friends. It was a melange of emotions, people, places. It was prayers, hope and love.
The last six weeks I’ve spent time in Capeside (courtesy of Dawson’s Creek and my addiction to Netflix), back in the teen angst moments, back in a bit of comfort, and oddly enough seeing several episodes for the first time.
In watching the show and in spite of the angsty teen talk that is entirely too, well, annoying at times, I’m having a lot of flashbacks to high school…
Freshman Year. Marching band practice. Friday night football games. Continuing my incredibly huge crush on my neighbor who was on the football team. My first Homecoming dance, with a guy I could care less about. Lock-ins. Tripping up the stairs the first day of school. Surviving my first round of finals. Late night sleepovers. Moments of feeling totally boy crazy. Incessant crushes that wouldn’t end. Bad fashion choices like butterfly clips and ugly cardigan combinations.
Sophomore Year. My first real date. My first good kiss. My first Homecoming with a guy I liked. My first break-up. Making great strides in Marching Band which ulitmately led me to the decision to pursue a different fun activity. Branching out from my clique. Volunteering as a no-smoking advocate for middle schoolers. Getting my first job that didn’t involve babysitting. Finally being able to drive with a permit!
Junior Year. Starting with my yearbook career. Meeting my first serious boyfriend. Going to Homecoming with someone different because we weren’t “official yet.” Jumping for joy when we were official. Becoming really good at my yearbook responsibilities. Volunteering at sixth grade camp as a counselor. My first Sadie Hawkins dance. Prom! Attending football games as a spectator and not as a marching band person. Still harboring a crush on the boy next door.
Senior Year. College applications. Last Homecoming, Sadie Hawkins and Proms. Worries over what would happen to me and the boyfriend. Campus visits. Late nights working on Yearbook. Senior Lock-in. Another year of volunteering as a sixth grade camp counselor. On the executive board of NHS. Inducted into the writing honor’s society (which obviously meant so much as I can’t remember it). Being voted as the girl who “always has a shoulder to lean on,”. A summer of graduation parties and goodbyes. A summer of uncertainty, nerves and excitement.
Do you have a TV show that transports you to a particular time of your life?
I want to dance to Frank Sinatra at a place like the Ritz Carlton until my feet hurt. I want to wake up for one entire week rested and ready to go for the work day. I want to volunteer and actually make a difference, not just by mucking stalls. I want to continue to be in touch with my friends and family. I want to jump in puddles and enjoy the water that splashes up over my rainboots.
I want to bake cupcakes for complete strangers. I want to start a neighborhood happy hour for young adults and actually have people show up. I want to figure out what is that I want to do with regards to my career and move in that direction. I want to buy and own a place to call my own, complete with fabulous kitchen for my friends to gather around and a backyard for Jack to play in.
I want to conquer my fear of flying by jetsetting all over the country. I want to visit Alaska and have it be every bit as romantic as I expect it to be (courtesy of Northern Exposure, of course). I want to be able to declare my age (26) to people without having a mini- panic attack. I want to embrace the gray hairs that have sprouted like wildfire atop my head.
I want to finally learn how to knit. I want to finish the cross stitch baby blanket I started years ago. I want to scrap all the pictures that I’ve accumulated using the amazing scrapbooking products I have. I want to dress more chic. I want the hurt to stop. I want more room in my heart to love (again). I want to spend afternoons cuddled with Jack on the couch, in front of a fire, reading a book or laughing with friends over tea.
I want to sip wine in Italy, eat cheese in France, and chocolate in Belgium. I want to celebrate a New Year’s Eve in New York City, just once. I want to go to a bed & breakfast in Maine. I want to take a cooking class and then have a fabulous dinner party. I want to go to a spa for an entire weekend. I want to attend a writing class for creative writing.
I want to be able to put myself back out there again to make new friends, to meet new people. I want to lose the last five pounds and keep them off for good. I want to get back in touch with myself, the smiley, sunshiney, nothing can go wrong Nora that I was not too long ago. I want to never lose touch with her again.
It’s incredibly easy to get up at the pre-ass crack of dawn (4:15 am, to be exact) when you know you’re headed for the land of sunshine, palm trees, seagulls, an hour’s drive to the beach, family, marriage vows, pictures, and bonding.
Highlights from the trip:
* Spontaneity. Darling and I decided to rent a car when we got to Tallahassee. And then when we got to the hotel we decided it was necessary to take a trip to the Governor’s Mall, you know, to accessorize our outfits for the wedding a bit more. We walked out with jewelry, a jacket (Darling), and sexy black jeans (me).
* Happy Hour. The hotel had a happy hour each evening and my family dominated it each evening. Between photo shoots of all the relatives, introductions to extended family I’ve never met, and just all around fun it was a great way for everyone to reconnect and let loose.
* My Girl Cousins Van & Gummy. (Nicknames, of course.) The last time I saw them was in – gasp- 1998 and 2001 respectively and my how they have grown. Van is a smart, strong, beautiful 25 year old who’s a Sargeant in the Army and it was like we never missed a beat. Gummy, my almost 16 year old cousin is radiant, intelligent and so much fun to be around; I just wish I lived closer to watch her grow up! We were over the top girls: getting ready together, giggling together, staying up entirely too late and having a sleepover in Van’s room the last night we were there. I miss them all so much already and am working on figuring out how to see them in the next six months!
* The Wedding. It was beautiful. Outdoor ceremony with an orchestral trio. Simple. Lovely bridesmaid dresses. Perfect timing (at sunset). I cried for them. I cried for me. I snapped photos. We lingered after the ceremony for more family photos. We enjoyed wine and hors d’oeuvres before the reception. I mingled. I laughed. I smiled.
* The Reception. Lots of dancing, wine, more laughter, cousin dances, slow dances. I caught the bouquet: the first wedding out of 14 weddings I’ve been to and I caught the bouquet. According to wedding myth I have two years from catching the bouquet for the meaning (me getting married) to come true. I was honestly thrilled and shocked when I caught it (ignoring all irony of the timing, of course). I even decided to carry the bouquet with me on the plane home. It made it as far as Atlanta before I decided I was annoyed with it and instead salvaged just a single rose.
* After Parties. After both the rehearsal dinner and wedding reception we partied late into the night. We played Wii. We listened to country music. We screamed lyrics at the top of our lungs. We watched FSU v. Clemson. We just were: family. friends. together.
It’s hard to do a weekend like this justice but suffice to say it was good for the soul and warming to the heart. I just can’t wait to see everyone and feel like that again.
(No pictures since I forgot to get consent from my family. Most of them are on facebook and more will be posted soon!)
While we were in Florida this past weekend, I saw this phrase “Salt Life,” on t-shirts, bumper stickers, and etched onto windows. I looked up the phrase and as would make sense it’s a beach gear company but to me, it means something a little bit different.
If you read my post from yesterday, you know why I wanted to go to Florida and why I needed it to be a good weekend (fortunately it turned out to be a great weekend – more details on that coming soon). As I spent 48 hours straight with my cousins, Aunts and Uncles, many of whom I haven’t seen in years, I observed a few things about myself that I don’t totally love:
*I take life too seriously. I know that it was a special occasion but my family and their friends were so easy going, didn’t get hives when they talk about work and just seemed happier, laidback, go with the flow.
* Having a good time isn’t a reward for a completed work week but instead is a way of life. They laugh more. They smile more. They party more. They scream songs at the top of their lungs more. They hug and take pictures more. Taking a personal day doesn’t make them feel guilty, ignoring work for a few more days isn’t an issue and enjoying life is paramount.
When I saw the phrase “Salt Life,” I decided to use it as a my new personal mantra. I’m going to start seasoning my life more with positive experiences, people, events. I’m going to reconnect with myself and the things that make me happy. I’m going to live full of hope and energy for I know that I have a lot to offer to friends, employers, family, a new man (when the time comes). I;m going to work smarter, not harder so that I don’t get so drained at the end of the work week. I’m not going to equate my life with my job. I’m going to work hard for the next 18 months to save money, add to my resume and then perhaps find a job in the great Sunshine State so I can live and breath the Salt Life.
One year, during a bachelorette party in Key West, you get your palm read.
The palm reader is dead on when it comes to you, your tendencies, your heartaches, what you long for.
She tells you that you’ll meet a man in the next two years. Someone you’ll love. Someone you’ll cherish. Someone who will reawaken your soul, your spirit, your capacity to love.
She’s right.
He’s not like anyone else you’ve ever met before. Intelligent. Funny. Hipster. Sexy. A bit of a dork. A bit of a hopeless romantic. Handsome. Strong. Sensitive. Caring. The dates are whirlwinds of nerves, laughter and butterflies.
Within a month, you’re exlcusive.
Within two months, you’re traveling together to Canada for a wedding.
Within three months, you’re spending the holidays with each other’s families.
Within six months, you start talking about living together.
Within a year, you start talking about the serious possibility of a future together.
Within 16 months, something goes wrong.
You remember the day you met the palm reader and search your memory for any bit of information on if she said it was going to last. Or if it wasn’t to last, how would it end. You come up empty handed.
You can’t pinpoint the moment it happens or why it happens, but suddenly your entire world is tossed upside down.
It feels like your souls are drifting apart and even though you want them to continue to float along together in the universe they are drowning in a sea of confusion, hurt, frustration, hope and still, above all, love. But love isn’t always enough.
Within one week, you’ve cried enough tears to fill the Mississippi River.
Within two weeks, you’ve spent more evenings awake, wondering if it he has changed his mind, if things could be different.
Within three weeks, you call him just to make sure this is how things are supposed to be.
Within four weeks, you realize that though there will be hurt, pain and sorrow as you mourn a relationship and best friend, this is where you are supposed to be. You don’t know why, but this is where the universe has taken you and you have no choice but to move forward.
There are fewer tears but still a deep ache within your soul.
There are fewer sleepless nights but still the emptiness fills up your bed.
There are fewer messages and phone calls but in the silence, you know there is truth.
There is less certainty in your life but instead an eternal hope.
There are memories stashed deep inside your soul assuring you that you’ll never forget.
There is the realization that this is the best decision for both of you, despite the sadness and hurt you’re learning to cope with.
There is peace in heartbreak at last.
I left the land of sunshine, palm trees, sunscreen, flip-flops and shorts, tans, surfer boys, family, love and laughs today to return to a town covered in falling leaves, full of hustle and bustle, work, a reality I’m not sure I’m crazy about and thankfully my dog Jack, my dad and a week off of work.
It’s late and I won’t pretend that my liver isn’t rebelling against me or that I haven’t looked at the pictures on my camera four times since I left today but I need to get some shut eye and process all the wonderment that took place this past weekend.
It’s amazing how 48 hours can potentially change your entire life in minute ways and possibly in ways you can’t even imagine.
Using today’s NaBloPoMo writing prompt (mention three things that you associate with a fond memory) my three things are:
1. Florida
2. Mickey Mouse
3. Magic Kingdom
A little known fact about me is that my family didn’t always live in the StL- as a matter of fact we moved to StL in the early 90s from just oustide Orlando, FL. While we only lived in Florida for two years it was plenty of time for us to have yearly family passes to all the Disney attraction parks.
Between all the family that came to visit us and the random evenings we’d drive to the theme parks for just a few hours, we came to know Disney inside and out. The Hanuted Mansion. Pirates of the Caribbean. The Tiki Birds. Tom Sawyer’s boat. Epcot. Coca-Cola from around the world. Roller coasters. Log flumes. The tourist groups that would come through, usually in January and February, spearheaded by a brave soul who carried their country’s flag high and proud. What days to avoid the parks for fear of attack by children and strollers. What days the fireworks were the best.
I’ve only been back to Disney a handful of times since we left and each time I’m there I feel like a little girl. Standing there holding my parents hands, waiting in lines with anticipation even if I’ve been on the ride countless times. Excitement. A buzz of natural energy. Falling asleep in the backseat after a long day to the pleasant hum of the car engine and my parents voices.
I know I was truly blessed to be able to go to Disney as often as we did and hopefully if I ever have children I’ll be able to take them to the very same theme parks I went to as a kid, sharing the same rides and experiences with them.
I leave you with a behind the scenes video of my family’s favorite ride, ever. I think one night we rode it five or six times in one night! (Johnny Depp makes a few appearances in this video since they have rennovated the ride since the release of the movie, in case you needed incentive to watch the video.)
