Ouch

24 Jun

LIII, by Emily Dickinson

Let me not mar that perfect dream
By an auroral stain,
But so adjust my daily night
That it will come again

I finally saw the man I has been haunting my dreams for the last few weeks; he was as I expected him to be: taller, older (Darling always said it would be an older man), strong, handsome, dark hair, brooding. We were on a park bench, probably early spring, the sun slanting through the trees which were hovering over us. Jack was there, trying to chase after birds. We sat their holding hands, smiling, relishing.

I took a short nap after work today. The entire dream was like a silent movie; no sound, only our lips moving, saying what I can only assume were words of heartache and doom for the man stood up and walked away, fading into the sunlight.

I don’t know what the man said other than what I can guess: he can’t be in my life and just like that, he was gone. Vanished as though he never existed, even in the catacombs of my mind. I was left holding a piece of paper with all the reasons we couldn’t be together. They stung. As embarassing as it is, I woke up with tears on my cheeks, a sore jaw which can only mean I was grinding my teeth which I know to be signs of distress while I’m sleeping.

I woke up in a very grumpy, stormcloud kind of funk. It may have been only a dream, our minds version of emailing ourselves a possible glimpse of the future, words exchanged in the darkness, odd hours of the night, potentially across time or miles (who knows how dreams really work) but I’m confused, saddened, feeling a bit lost and lonely. It sours my hope.

It’s been so real for the last few weeks that I actually began to believe in my dreams again.

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One Response to “Ouch”

  1. nova-san June 25, 2008 at 6:48 pm #

    Such a surreal dream. It’s no wonder you woke up feeling dazed and lonely. Those kinds of dreams often times feel like a sort of omen. But we have to remember that it’s really not. Dreams can represent our desires and longings, but they can also represent our fears, which is what this dream seems to uncovert. Obviously, I’m no doctor, but I can only surmise that it represents the universal fear of being left and being alone.

    Hugs to you, dear Nora. May you dreams be more happy, and may they come true! ♥

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