Pants on Fire…

8 Aug

… I’m back. For a post.

So this is kind of a big weekend for TDH and I in a weird sort of way. I’m heading to Jefferson City for a bridal shower and time with Mel (she’s getting married in six weeks. Crazy though. So exciting, emotional and… another word I can’t even think of right now). He’s heading to Chicago for a housewarming party for the couple who is getting married in November (yes, I’m going to that wedding as well).

For the first time since Houston and since we’ve been officially together we’re going to be apart. With no cell service me, which is familiar to us from his stint in Minnesota. So why the need for a post about this? Why does it matter, because trust me, I know time away from each other is important and necessary. And I enjoy my alone time/girl time just as much as I enjoy being with him.

When we first started dating back in June I knew I liked him but it was the early stages of like and dating where I wasn’t concerned with him meeting someone else or what would happen if he did by chance. Now, now that I have time invested along with feelings and upcoming weddings and booked hotel rooms I get nervous. It’s totally not TDH. He hasn’t done anything at all to remotely make me think he would do anything to hurt me or upset me. It’s totally me.

I am so conditioned from my past experiences to think that something bad will happen. The last time I was in Chicago with a boy I found out he had been cheating on me and we broke up. On New Year’s. That same boy also had a girl in my college town, whome he visited frequently, not answering his cell phone while he was gone. The worst part? I didn’t know until after the fact. Countless other guys I’ve dated have broken up with me because they met someone else or were sleeping with someone else or wanted their ex back.

I know that all of his friends, even the ones he’s going to visit, know who I am. He tells everyone about me. He’s amazing. I feel bad for having moments of doubt about trusting him. I’m mad at myself that I can’t trust as well as I used to. That I let my relationship ghosts affect (indirectly as I don’t talk to TDH about this unless need be) my current relationship and state of mind.

I figure this weekend will be a test and a feat. I can get through it, I will get through it and I’ll see him on Sunday afternoon when things will be great as usual. Nothing bad will have happened. He’ll have missed me (I made him a little road trip care package with some super-cheesy notes for him to open along the way) and all my worry will be for nothing.

Sometimes I just wonder how someone who is a hopeless romantic like me can even begin to think negatively about one of the best, most healthy relationships she’s evern been in. I think I’ll blame my fear/vulnerability for the time being.

And now I’m going on blog hiatus… I think :)


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