18 Nov

As many of you know, I chose to participate in BlogSecret. This is has been a very challenging yet rewarding experience for me.
The post below is not written by me but by someone else who was brave enough to submitt a secret to the Lovely Nilsa who put BlogSecret together. Feel free to leave comments for the author of this blog as they know where their secret is posted and may check in on it.
To see a list of all the other blogs hosting secrets today, check out Nilsa’s page for the blog links.

As with a good portion of the US, I come from a “broken” home. Parents
divorced when I was very young, both remarried, summers & every other
holiday with dad (who moved flying distance away) blah, blah, blah.
Typically, I adored my father growing up, he of the staying up late, and
eating of junk food, and going to amusement parks, and no rules or
spankings or homework or chores or groundings! Daddy Daddy what’s not to
adore? (not that I didn’t love and respect my mom more than words can say,
but she also grounded me on a regular basis, so I had a little more
realistic view of her)

Around the age of consent, I was smacked with a big ole wake up call about
the fallibility of my hero worshiped father. And in one fateful moment, he
broke my heart and our relationship. I was having surgery–nothing huge,
but enough to require anesthesia, rehab, and pain meds–and he didn’t call
me. And he didn’t call me the day after. Or the day after that. And then
he called–upset. Upset because I hadn’t called him for Father’s Day the
day before–when I was still having a horrible reaction to the anesthesia,
unable to sit up without being sick or passing out.

And it dawned on me that my father didn’t know anything about me that he
couldn’t attribute to the me of 10 years earlier. The man never called,
never visited, and knew nothing about ME. I was always the one to call and
visit, and even in those tasks I was assaulted with his guilt. After
almost 18 years, I realized my father didn’t know who I was as a person.
He didn’t know my friends, my boyfriend of 3 years, my fears, my goals,
NOTHING. To him, I was still the 3 year old he had to leave behind in the
divorce. I realized that all my life, I had been responsible for my
relationship with my father. Even at 6, and 10, and 12, and 15, I had to
be the grownup, and carry the burden of both sides of our relationship.
And the day he accused me of being a bad daughter after not even
acknowledging my surgery, he broke my heart because the weight of those
realizations hit me.

To this day, my father and I have no real relationship. I’m over my anger,
though it does still hurt my heart. I refuse to carry the relationship for
both of us, so I make my calls, write my emails, and think of him when it
occurs to me, but I no longer allow him to make me feel guilty about
anything. I try to keep him updated on my life, to the extent that I can.
I am one of those people who can say “I haven’t spoken to my dad in 6
months”, “I haven’t seen my dad in 5 years”, and I fear that the day will
come when I will say, “My father died and we never really knew each
other.” And then my heart will hurt all over again, for being so typically



14 Responses to “BlogSecret”

  1. SSG November 18, 2008 at 5:33 am #

    I am definitely going to check out blogsecret from now on. My dad left our family 4 weeks before we were born. I didnt hear from him til I went to uni. I met him for the first time when i was 22. He was a cock. I am glad I met him or I would still pine for the dad I thought he could be. He was never that dad, he was just selfish and all about himself. No thanks.

  2. ExMi November 18, 2008 at 7:05 am #

    i’m sorry you hurt so much.

    sometimes i feel i have the same thing….

  3. Nilsa November 18, 2008 at 7:34 am #

    Abandonment and the feeling of rejection are hard to shake. I’m so sorry you’re going through this…

  4. Desi November 18, 2008 at 1:00 pm #

    I understand, and hope things improve. They might improve if you say the above to him. Be brutally honest? Maybe it will help? Falseness and polite distance are harder to live with than anger, I think.

  5. BS November 18, 2008 at 1:22 pm #

    Unfortunately this is one of those many situations where I can only offer my (sometimes) mantra: I can’t control the actions of others, I can only control my reactions to them. But it sounds like you’re already on top of that.

    Maybe telling him all this (as others suggested) would help.

  6. Mandy November 18, 2008 at 2:24 pm #

    I am one of thsoe people too, I havent spoken to my father in over 14 years. After awhile the hurt goes away and all your left with is the feeling of sadness at all he missed out on.

  7. well-intentioned heartbreaker November 18, 2008 at 3:13 pm #

    i have the same fear. and it hurts, every single day.

  8. rosalicious November 18, 2008 at 4:40 pm #

    Wow, did I write this post as my BlogSecret post instead of the one that really got posted? Was there some mix up? :)

    Seriously. I don’t have a relationship with my father either and while it isn’t easy, it’s for the best. Just because someone is your birth parent doesn’t entitle them to a relationship with you – they have to earn it!

  9. Liz November 18, 2008 at 9:33 pm #

    sounds almost exactly like my dad except I realized what he was when I was about 10. I still make the effort, no matter how small but it’s still more effort than he makes.

  10. TC November 18, 2008 at 9:49 pm #

    That’s so hard. It’s a tough lesson – and one no one should have to learn.

  11. Princess Pointful November 19, 2008 at 1:22 am #

    It is so painful when you realize your parents are real, flawed people– especially in such a raw manner.

  12. Anon November 19, 2008 at 1:42 am #

    I’m the author of this secret. I just wanted to thank Nora for hosting it, and to all those who commented so thoughtfully. It may be horrible to say, but I feel so much better knowing that I’m not alone in this situation (not that I wish it on anyone, of course, but that I’m not a freak).

    This whole endeavor was hugely freeing, and I’m so glad I was able to participate.

  13. Christine November 19, 2008 at 10:46 pm #

    That last paragraph could have been written by me.
    You’re not alone. Both my older brother and I are in a very similar situation to yours and we fear that soon our younger brother (who is now 11 and the closest to our father, who adores him) is going to be smacked in the face with this reality. I hope with everything that he doesn’t because I don’t want my father to be entirely childless. And my younger brother doesn’t deserve to be fatherless. He was 2 when they divorced (I was ten, my older brother was 15) and didn’t get what we had. He needs it.
    Take care. (:

  14. Jenn November 20, 2008 at 10:06 am #

    That was a lot like reading about my own relationship with my father. It gets easier to deal with, but it still doesn’t hurt any less.

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