The Weekend: The Corners of my Mind

21 Dec

There are some work weeks that leave me incredibly beat-up and exahusted meaning my weekends are a whole lot of, well, spontaneous events, hugging my pillow and sorting things out.

This weekend I realized that I’m not quite as healed from the heartbreak as I thought. The realization came about when I couldn’t face a holiday party that was full of couples. And again when a co-worker texted me on Saturday night to tell me she had a friend she wanted me to meet. And on Sunday at the Rams game when a guy proposed to his girlfriend and I nearly lost it. Not to mention all the little things triggering memories of the duo I once was causing my heart and soul to ache in a way I never thought possible. Love dies hard.

This weekend I spent the bulk of my time trying to bury those feeling that resurfaced with a vengeance by hitting the gym, taking Jack for obscenely long walks in the 20 degree weather, standing in line at USPS with Darling and braving the mall crowds (turns out there wasn’t such a crowd after all), starting a Christmas puzzle, buying more presents for friends and family,  possibly indulging in a sweater or two for myself, rocking out to Christmas music, napping, finishing one book (Up in the Air by Walter Kirn —  don’t bother reading it) and starting another (Dear John by Nicholas Sparks) and working on a health plan to improve my energy (I recently found out I’m anemic which has been sucking the lifeforce right out of me).

This weekend I spent Friday night in the gym, Saturday eve with two of my favorite girls under the age of 10 watching Night at the Museum II and giggling as I put them to bed with them loudly proclaiming that there are only SIX! DAYS! Until Christmas!!

This weekend my brother and I attempted to watch the Rams beat the Texans but failed… as per the expectations. We stood and clapped for a Sailor who had been deployed six times and is finally home for good. There may have been tears in both our eyes. We discussed his college experience so far, random acts of kindness, the dating scene as a young 20-something, presents and shared a lot of laughs and brother-sister moments.

This weekend I realized it’s okay to be ME, no matter what that means: hurting, healing, smiling, shining, pushing forward, remembering, crying, growing, exploring. I’ve been so focused on being healed and the usual strong, independent Nora that I know myself to be (and, well, still am) that is free of heartbreak and longing, tears and pain that I haven’t actually dealt with the loss of my duo. I’ve repressed, buried and forced myself out of the healing phase which has naturally come back to bite me in the butt. I won’t be all gloom and doom but if something affects me, I’m going to face it head on, sort it out  instead of pushing it back to the corners of my mind. I’ve finally liberated myself to be free to feel.

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16 Responses to “The Weekend: The Corners of my Mind”

  1. Margarita December 21, 2009 at 12:03 pm #

    I felt proud of you as I read the last bit. I think we all know how to put on a brave face and show the world that nothing bothers us, be strong and all that. But sometimes we just need to express our emotions – sadness, heartbreak, anger – only then can you truly begin to heal.
    *hugs*

  2. mandy December 21, 2009 at 1:08 pm #

    Dealing with those emotions is hard and sometimes down right ugly, but you do need to feel those feelings. And I have never for a minute since I’ve first “met” you doubted that you were anything but a strong, independent Nora. I admire you more now more than ever. True story. Love you!

  3. Amanda December 21, 2009 at 1:11 pm #

    I agree – much pride as I read this. The entire time I was reading though I kept wondering why “the corners of my mind” felt so familiar to me…did you ever see Music & Lyrics with Hugh Grant? That’s one of the lines in the song they wrote, so now I just keep thinking of clowns above my bed…
    Happy almost Christmas! :)
    PS – could you update your link to my blog? Thanks!

  4. Kyla Roma December 21, 2009 at 1:27 pm #

    That healing thing is so nasty, how it just keeps bubbling up no matter what you do, hey? But I think that we deal with these things in phases, even if we don’t know it- you can only deal with the day to day at first, then slowly you can move onto the bigger things when you have the smaller things in hand.

    I’m so proud of you for tackling all of this. When I’ve broken up it’s taken me 5 or 6 months to be really, thoroughly alright. So you’re still super human in my books. I would literally still be camping in front of his building doing the high fidelity thing (standing in the rain, shouting “IRISH, YOU BASTARD!!! LETS WORK IT OUT!!!”).

    I could learn a little about grace from you I think lol

  5. Tabitha December 21, 2009 at 1:42 pm #

    Oh, hon. Heartbreak does suck, but I’m glad that you’re learning to allow yourself to feel the hurt of it so that you can fully heal. Wish I could be there to do that Christmas puzzle with you (both because I want to hang out with you, and because I LOVE puzzles)! Oh, and let me know how Dear John is…I’ve been thinking of reading that one myself.

  6. Emily Jane December 21, 2009 at 2:07 pm #

    Oh Nora, I read this and I felt an enormous sense of compassion as well as admiration for your strength of coming to terms with thigs and dealing with them rather then trying to surpress in the hope they’ll just go away. Sometimes it’s the hardest way of dealing with things that is ultimately the most effective and you’re most definitely in my thoughts a lot. *Hug*

  7. Erin December 21, 2009 at 2:51 pm #

    Whenever you are going through something, it seems like the universe sticks tiny little painful reminders all over the place. The holidays are the worst too, because you want to celebrate the good, but you are constantly reminded of the hardship. I love you, and I hope that things turn around for you soon!

  8. barbetti December 21, 2009 at 2:56 pm #

    The thing I learned from coming out of my last relationship was that you WILL be okay. Maybe not today, or tomorrow, or next week or even however long it takes. But eventually? You will be okay, more than okay. Let yourself grieve and don’t make apologies for it. Big hugs girl!

  9. SoMi's Nilsa December 21, 2009 at 3:10 pm #

    Turns out you didn’t need my pep talk after all. You already know how to be good to Nora. The key is allowing yourself the time and space to do so. Heart you.

  10. Little Fish December 21, 2009 at 4:00 pm #

    Since you’re awesome it’s more then ok to be you; it’s actually fantastic to be you!

    Hugs!

  11. kilax December 21, 2009 at 6:16 pm #

    It is okay to be you. And I can tell you are a good person, just trying to find your happiness. Sounds like you still had a great weekend after all :)

    I would love to hear more about your anemic health plan. I don’t know much about that but think it would be interesting to read about.

  12. Lisa D December 21, 2009 at 10:26 pm #

    Well written. :) You know what, I think it takes a stronger person to admit that they are sad or struggling with something. And you have to give yourself over to those emotions sometimes; otherwise, I really think they will eventually resurface. So you might as well deal with them right away.

    I am proud of you! I think you are doing amazingly well, my dear!!

  13. Jessica December 21, 2009 at 11:06 pm #

    I love you as you. And you’ll learn a lot from these experiences that will help you be stronger than you already are. And Christmas is just a few days away!!! And being with those kids is a great reminder of how simple joy can be.

  14. Amber from Girl with the Red Hair December 21, 2009 at 11:28 pm #

    Awww sweetie that sucks. Breakups take TIME to get over though and I wouldn’t expect you to get over it that quickly. I’ve heard that a getting over a breakup will take at least half the amount of time you were together.

    Give it time, you are so strong!

  15. Habbala December 22, 2009 at 12:47 pm #

    I love you Nora.

    That is all. :)

  16. Mel December 22, 2009 at 11:22 pm #

    The first holiday after a breakup is so hard. You’re amazingly strong and I know you will get there with time. *hugs*

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