Three Months

21 Jan

It’s been (more or less) three months since this happened.

Somedays it feels like it was yesterday and I want to curl up in a ball, ignore my life and just cry. Cry because I miss him, I miss us, I miss what made us “us.” Cry because I don’t want to go through the dating scene again. Cry because I thought I was so close to the next fabulous thing. Cry because I feel alone and if I’m being honest a little bit lost. On these days I want to go back to sometime in August when we went on quite possibly my most favorite date ever: an entire day in the park with books, wine, cheese and bread, hand-holding and kisses, hugs and love. We joked when breaking up that if only we could go back to that day, for then, everything was right with the world.

Fortunately those days are few and far between now but when they hit, they hit hard.

90% of the other days it feels like it was so long ago that we said goodbye, embracing each other for one last time, tears and snot (hey, no one said break-ups were glamorous) running down our faces.

On these days I am me…

The girl who goes to the gym five days a week and kicks her own butt until she comes out looking like a sweaty strawberry. 

The girl who spontaneously goes to a movie with the girls, the bookstore to buy yet another book, or opts for a low-key night in.

The girl who is not ready to date yet, because, well, quite frankly I find dating to be a lot of bullshit and frankly, I’m not up for all that.

The girl who is not yet used to sleeping alone. (Thank goodness for her cuddly dog.)

The girl who is back to baking, cooking, volunteering, babysitting and organizing simply because she can and it makes her happy.  

The girl who is friends with her Ex, Irish, for the time being, right, wrong or indifferent because he needs a friend right now and if she’s being honest, so does she.

The girl who hasn’t abandoned the idea of love even though her heart is still in repair and tear ducts still recovering from months of crying.

The girl who is surrounded by engaged/marrieds/pregnant friends who try so hard to understand where I’m coming from but still ask when I think I’ll meet someone/get married/live with him.  

The girl who, despite her hopeless romantic self, gives the stink eye to all things Valentine’s Day related.

The girl who goes on long walks with her dog just to sort through it all, whatever it is that needs sorting.

The girl who would be (even more) lost without her family, her amazing friends and this entire community of friends too.

The girl who still has moments of crippling loneliness that feel so cavernous she doesn’t think she’ll be able to climb out.

The girl who walks with hope in her heart and a smile on her face everyday even when she doesn’t think it will do her a lick of good.

The girl who is oddly at peace with the way things are, even if it hurts sometimes, even if it’s not ideal.

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29 Responses to “Three Months”

  1. Lauren From Texas January 21, 2010 at 4:02 pm #

    Oh Nora. You are so brave. Thanks for sharing these little pieces of your heart with us. Your writing is beautiful and cuts right to the heart of the matter. Even when the circumstances are less than lovely, it’s always a blessing when you can find the good in things & have peace. Sounds like you’re well on your way.

    xo

  2. CLo January 21, 2010 at 4:08 pm #

    Eh hem. The girl who has a wicked awesome brother who never makes women feel like this? That’s right, I said it. I’m better at love than most men.

  3. ria January 21, 2010 at 4:09 pm #

    i admire you honesty in all the good and not so good things you feel lately. i think you would be a great workout buddy. i need someone to push me most days!

  4. Kyla Roma January 21, 2010 at 4:09 pm #

    Woo! Thank you so much for posting this! It’s so beautifully written, and so honest, I love it.

    And the questions that your engaged/marrieds/pregnant friends are asking you make me worry if they had head injuries when they were toddlers. I’m sure they’re lovely in other ways, but wow.

    I’m glad that you’re at peace, and I would love to have you as my Valentine. For the record. =)

  5. LovelyAnomaly January 21, 2010 at 4:24 pm #

    I’ll echo Kyla’s comment:

    I’d love to send you a Valentine.

    You might not think so all the time, but I think you are very strong.

  6. Amy --- Just A Titch January 21, 2010 at 7:46 pm #

    Oh, Nora…those days are still so hard. I’m sorry. I’d take you as a Valentine any day! Much love, friend.

  7. Amber from Girl with the Red Hair January 21, 2010 at 8:02 pm #

    Beautiful post, lovely. Gave me goosebumps.

    You are so amazing and strong!! XO

  8. mandy January 21, 2010 at 8:30 pm #

    This is such a beautiful post friend. I echo everyone elses sentiments — you are so amazing and strong. It sort of makes me sad when friends are so focused on being with someone and settling down. Just concentrate on having a full and rewarding life whether you are with someone or not.

    Valentines Day is our friendship anniversary, lets skype, drink wine, and celebrate being friends!

  9. Erin January 21, 2010 at 8:55 pm #

    Oh, Nora. I love this post. I’m so glad that the good times outnumber the bad. Break-ups are so hard, and they really do last for a long time. You’ll be ready to date when you are ready. Tell your married friends to leave well enough alone…except for me, of course. :)

  10. Lisa from Lisa's Yarns January 21, 2010 at 9:26 pm #

    Such a beautifully written post. I feel like I could have written this about 2 years ago when I went through my break-up. I remember waiting for the pain to go away completely and it took a really long time. And even though it’s been almost 2 years, I still ache for what we were during our happy days. I look at photos from birthday celebrations or a wedding we attended and wonder – how did it all go wrong? What happened?

    You are doing amazingly well, though, and I am so glad you have not given up on love. You are such a catch, my lady, so even though I can’t tell you when or how you will meet your Mister, I have to believe it is going to happen because someone as fabulous as you will not be alone. Someone will see you for the gem you are!

  11. Jessica January 21, 2010 at 11:05 pm #

    Aww honey, first, I’m glad that those days of feeling the missing and sadness are fewer and further between but I can imagine that’s still a raw feeling when it does hit. You’re moving on so well and soon, those days will become further apart and then be gone.

  12. Akirah January 22, 2010 at 12:28 am #

    WE WILL GET THRU THIS!

    *hugs*

    I need to BBM you soon.

  13. sleepyjane January 22, 2010 at 5:11 am #

    I was so absent from the internet the last few months – I completely missed it! I am so, so sorry.

    {{HUGS}}

    You’ll get through this, I know you will. xxxx

  14. SoMi's Nilsa January 22, 2010 at 8:32 am #

    You are the girl with strength, beauty and grace. If only we all could deal with heartbreak the way you have. And I am a believer that love will come to you again when you’re ready. And I can’t wait to be there to celebrate with you. xoxo

  15. Jackie January 22, 2010 at 8:40 am #

    This is inspiring. I’m at the “three days ago, this happened” point. It hurts. I hope in 3 months I’ll know who I am on my good days.

  16. jen January 22, 2010 at 9:10 am #

    i love the way you articulate what you are feeling, these things are never easy but looking back three months from now i know you will be even stronger and more content with the life you are currently leading. you are a very strong person!!

  17. Lys January 22, 2010 at 10:08 am #

    sending lots of strength and hugs to you!

  18. Alesia January 22, 2010 at 10:15 am #

    Nora – It sounds like you’re doing exactly what you need to be doing now: surrounding yourself with your people, taking care of yourself, and letting the feelings happen. You’ll heal and you’ll find love — because you have so much to give. – Alesia

  19. Ally January 22, 2010 at 11:30 am #

    Where you are right now is beautiful and a little messy and so real. You are living your life fully, and that is awesome and such an important part of moving on. When the time is right for you to find someone else, you’ll be ready to bring your best — what a lucky guy who will get to experience that!

    (Hi, I found you through blog hopping!)

  20. Little Fish January 22, 2010 at 12:05 pm #

    You are an amazing, strong person! Hugs!

  21. bodelou January 22, 2010 at 12:44 pm #

    im sure most gals can attest to being in this same prediciment. i know i have. the best thing to do, though, is be honest about the situation and seems you are doing just that. for me, three years later it still hurts. three years later it still sucks, but it sucks less. and there are more wonderful things ahead, which, of course, is the saving grace.

  22. Andrea January 22, 2010 at 1:01 pm #

    I love how honest this post is, because I can relate to it so much. I think everyone can, at some point.

  23. kilax January 22, 2010 at 4:59 pm #

    I like the girl you are now :)

  24. Habbala January 22, 2010 at 5:13 pm #

    You’re doing SO great Nora. So great. I am ridiculously proud of you and the steps you’re making and the way you’re handling EVERYTHING.

  25. imerika January 22, 2010 at 7:07 pm #

    i am this girl too:
    The girl who, despite her hopeless romantic self, gives the stink eye to all things Valentine’s Day related.

    i fuckin hate break-ups. Period.

  26. jamie January 22, 2010 at 10:05 pm #

    I miss my US a lot too :(

  27. Margarita January 23, 2010 at 2:59 am #

    You are very brave. Heartache sucks but it seems like you’re doing it with a smile on your face. Your heart will always hurt a little for him, but you have so much more love to give :)

  28. Mel January 24, 2010 at 12:10 pm #

    Thanks for sharing your thoughts and feelings with us. I wish I could make it all better!

  29. Tabitha January 26, 2010 at 6:48 pm #

    These posts of yours always move me so deeply. You capture the essence of what you’re going through with such grace and clarity, and you’re willing to be honest and raw, while at the same time uplifting even when times are tough. I can’t wait until you’re “The girl who Tabitha FINALLY gets to meet.” :-)

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