Why Men Date…

8 Jun

… Bitches.

I was told a few weeks ago that I needed to purchase this book and read it immediately.**
That I’m a doormat but if I read this book, I can be a dreamgirl if I become a bitch.
And once I’m a dreamgirl , I’ll be able to snag any guy I want. And if I want to marry him? There’s a book for that, too.

I confess, I’m a traditional, nice, “girl next door,” kind of person. Yes, I care if a guy has a bad day, what kind of food he likes, if he calls and I’m free, I’ll answer. If I’m busy, I’ll call him back. I admit I like to bake, cook, do thoughtful things for the guy I date. Not right away of course- it takes time for me to trust, to let my walls down, for the guy to earn the right, if you will, to see that side of me.  I do not, however, smother the guy in texts, lovey emails, incessant phone calls, random drop-ins. If I don’t like how I’m being treated I’ll speak up; if it can’t be fixed then I’ll move on.

I haven’t read this book; I’m not sure that I ever will. I’m sure part of the book is written in jest and part of the book is written to protect women, to keep us from getting hurt, to get us to play the game. Hate the game, don’t hate the players, I guess. I picked up the book at Barnes & Noble, flipped through the pages, read the back cover. It’s written in a humorous light but the jist: Play the game harder than you’ve ever played it before. Ignore the guy. Reject his advances. Then he’ll want to be with you.

The thing is, I’ve been screwed over, more times than I care to admit so you’d think I’d be a perfect candidate for a book like this. We’re talking cheated on, stabbed in the back, lied to, used, stood up, let down and a handful of other things, all in about five years of dating (a few long-term relationships thrown in there of course.) But you know what? That doesn’t change who I am. It doesn’t make me want to play more games when it comes to dating. I am not comfortable with advice that tells me I should be something I’m not: I can’t be a bitch when dating. It’s not my nature. What’s the point of pretending to be something you’re not? The charade will have to end at some point and then what happens? Left at square one all alone? (If you saw The Ugly Truth, you know what I mean. Katharine Heigl played a charade and it didn’t end well.)

I don’t see how telling a lie and acting like a false version of yourself can be good for any sort of meaningful relationship in the long run. Maybe I’m wrong, maybe it will take me a long time to meet someone who appreciates me for me, but that’s what I want. The strong, independent, sometimes funny, caring, emotional at times, family-oriented, dog-loving, hippie/preppy woman that I am. The woman who sometimes can care too much but would rather care too much and be herself then pretend her whole life.

I don’t want to be a bitch, a liar. I want to be me. I want to be real. I want the man I spend the rest of my life with to see me for who I am, not some falsified dreamgirl. Maybe that statement right there makes me the doormat, but so be it. I know what I want, I know who I am, and telling me to be a bitch to get a guy? It’s just not happening. I’d rather be me and alone then a trapped in a lie for the rest of my life.  

So, what do you think? Is it necessary to be a bitch to attract a man? What’s the best/worst dating advice you’ve ever received?

** The funny thing is about the gal who recommended the book to me? She’s pining after her ex-boyfriend who treated her better than the guy she’s currently dating. She snagged her current boyfriend after reading Why Men Date Bitches, but she’s not totally enthralled with him.

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29 Responses to “Why Men Date…”

  1. Lisa from Lisa's Yarns June 8, 2010 at 11:13 am #

    Well you know how I feel about this. I think if I have to play a game to get a guy to like me, it’s probably not the right guy for me. I just can’t do the cat & mouse game. I won’t deliberately not answer a phone call or pretend to be busy when I am not.

    After my last relationship, I did learn that I was entirely too accomodating. The me of 3 years ago would wait and find out when we were going to get together on the weekend before making plans. The me of today wouldn’t put my schedule on hold for a boyfriend. The me of 3 years ago did my boyfriends laundry & ironed all of his dress shirts. The deal was that I would do his laundry/iron and he would wash my car on a regular basis. I did his laundry every week for like months. He washed my car ONCE. So the me of 3 years ago kept doing his laundry, the me of today would say – ‘wait a minute…’ Not that everything in life is a fair exchange, but I was definitely getting the short end of the deal in that relationship.

    I totally disagree w/ the concept of this book. I think we just need to be the confident, self-assured women we are. The right guy will see you for the gem you are – without you having to resort to stupid games!

    And wow, love that the person who followed these rules isn’t even satisfied w/ her relationship. Sure didn’t work out so well for her, so she shouldn’t be doling out advice!

  2. Amber from Girl with the Red Hair June 8, 2010 at 11:23 am #

    I’m going a totally different direction with this but I feel like guys think women are being “bitches” sometimes when they are just looking out for them. Eric will tell me to “stop being a bitch” (i.e. nagging him) when I’m bugging him about getting something he has to get done, DONE! Like doing the dishes, or paying a bill, or making sure that he gets everything lined up with his school. That’s not being a bitch, and yes, maybe sometimes it’s nagging, but it’s out of love!!!

    Going in the direction that the book takes, being mean and playing games isn’t going to get anyone anywhere. It’s unfortunate that that’s what a lot of dating has come down to because of silly books like this that put silly ideas in peoples heads!

  3. Liz June 8, 2010 at 11:27 am #

    Aren’t there enough bitchy women in this world? Do we really need a book telling women to be more bitchy than we already are?!

    But I’m with you. I don’t believe in advising people to be something they’re not in order to hook a man (or woman, for those guys out there). Just be yourself, focus on doing what you love, and the right person will come along. And when they do, they’ll fit into your life so perfectly you think they were made to be there all along, like the missing piece to a puzzle.

    The best advice I can give you? Don’t listen to other people’s dating advice. :)

  4. Becky June 8, 2010 at 11:31 am #

    Ugh, I hate the idea of a “game” in general. If you like someone say something, otherwise don’t whine about a missed opportunity. If a guy’s going to like you because you’re ignoring him – what does that say about him?

  5. jen June 8, 2010 at 12:11 pm #

    i only dated one other man before i met my husband, so the amount of experience i have with dating is limited…above everything else, i think, it is most important to just be yourself. relationships are built on trust and if people start off false there is not a whole lot of places that relationship can go…

  6. mandy June 8, 2010 at 12:22 pm #

    I don’t like games and I don’t play them. I don’t want a man to play to games with me. I agree with Jen, if people start off false there aren’t a whole lot of places the relationship can go. I like to be myself and hate pretending to be something I’m not. If I am pretending to be a bitch and I dont like that in myself, than how can I expect a guy to like that. I usually flat out refuse to read relationship self help books. Be your fabulous self!!

  7. LiLu June 8, 2010 at 12:42 pm #

    When it’s the right guy, there won’t be a SINGLE game involved. I guar-an-tee it.

  8. Nilsa @ SoMi Speaks June 8, 2010 at 1:06 pm #

    I think books like that are insulting to women and an absolute sham. So what if the nice girl was mistreated in past relationships. There’s a reason those relationships didn’t work out. It’s when the nice girl can be a nice girl and be respected for who she is that she’ll be in a longer-lasting relationships. Books that instruct you to be someone you’re not are only setting you up for failure – either you’ll fail to be true to yourself or the relationship built on a lie will fail once the truth surfaces. You are a beautiful person, Nora, and will make the right guy one very happy person, who hopefully makes you just as happy in return.

  9. Sarah June 8, 2010 at 1:13 pm #

    I agree with you – I don’t believe in putting on an act to attract a guy and pretending to be something/someone that you’re not. At some point he’s going to realise who you really are, and what then?

    That said, I’d probably still read the book for the simple reason that I’d enjoy the laugh!

  10. Ashley June 8, 2010 at 1:18 pm #

    Especially as I’ve gotten older, I’ve learned to really respect women who are confident in themselves, but not afraid to say what they want or be vulnerable to someone else. I wouldn’t call myself a bitch, but I can come off like a total ice queen, because I’ve got some really high walls and I fear rejection. Women who can risk embarrassment or rejection and still know they’ll be fine are braver than I am, pretending not to care.

  11. Emily June 8, 2010 at 1:35 pm #

    My advice, for what it is worth (probably less than $0.02), is that if you can’t figure out why relationships aren’t working out, sometimes it pays off to step back, take a breath, and consider the type of guy you (the royal “you”) are dating. If you have a type, that is. You know? My husband is the antithesis of the emotionally high strung, game playing, damaged, tortured souls I always dated before. No need to play a game or be a “bitch”.

  12. Margarita June 8, 2010 at 3:13 pm #

    I read this book. I actually bough both – the date and the marrying one. The marrying one basically is the same as the date one but on more of a focus on the wedding. Regardless, the one thing I took away from this book is to focus more on myself and not throw away my life for a boy. Just because a boy doesn’t like something doesn’t mean you don’t have to stop doing it. Don’t rearrange your schedule for him if you really don’t want to. Just be more independent instead relying on the man fully (moneywise as well).

    I admit I didn’t read the whole book from cover to cover, as there was some stuff that didn’t apply to me and I found was kinda stupid.

    It’s def not a MUST-read but I’m sure you’ll find something in there that’s interesting :)

  13. Mel June 8, 2010 at 4:22 pm #

    oh good lord. that sounds like the worst book ever. do not buy it. ever. seriously. i found a great guy once i finally grew up and stopped playing games. frankly, it boiled down to the fact that i was ready to settle down and had to find someone who also wanted that in the near future (within a few years). i stopped dating men that had no clue who they were or what they even wanted for themselves.

    on one of the first dates i had with my now-husband, i sat him down (i was full of wine – whoops) and told him pretty much all about my down side, my flaws. and if he couldn’t deal with them, i probably should walk. honesty worked out great for me!

  14. Nicole June 8, 2010 at 6:55 pm #

    I think that women who are fake attract men who are fakes. Sure, men are attracted to the bad girl… the sexy woman with the air of mystery and the snippy attitude. But when it comes right down to it, men don’t want to live with a woman who’s going to leave them hanging on a string. They love to chase, but — in the end — they want someone who understands them and someone they can be real with. Don’t ever settle for a guy who wants you to be someone else. Your Mr. Right is out there, but maybe it’s not time for you to meet him yet. For now, discover who you are as an individual, so that when you do meet him, you’ll know who you are… and he can fall in love with the real you. Because the guy who’s worthy of you will love you for who you are. :)

  15. Suburban Sweetheart June 8, 2010 at 8:03 pm #

    Bitches attract bastards. Nice girls want nice guys. So it follows that a nice girl should not act like a bitch unless she wants to attract a bastard.

    In other words… don’t bother.

  16. Jessica June 8, 2010 at 10:25 pm #

    It’s funny that you mention this because some women and movies really show that you need to be a bitch but I would never change who I am to get a guy. If a guy wants a bitch, he has way more issues then I do at relationships and I don’t play that game. Gross.

  17. OurLittleAshley June 9, 2010 at 6:27 am #

    I love the first review on Amazon from a guy’s perspective. :)

    I completely agree with your analysis of becoming a “bitch” to get a guy. I mean, really?! Who are these women who are so insecure that they’ll be willing to change their PERSONALITY in order to attract a man!? That has got to get exhausting!

    You’ll attract more flies with honey than vinegar…or however that saying goes. :)

  18. Megan June 9, 2010 at 6:49 am #

    I think men who date bitches are the WRONG men. I mean, you definitely don’t need to pretend to be someone else to get a man.

  19. Kyla Roma June 9, 2010 at 7:29 am #

    I’m completely with you, being yourself is the only way to meet a guy who will really like you. The real you! If you’re being yourself, how can he ever get to know you?

    I think that these games really are for women who are insecure with themselves and who would rather be in a relationship than be themselves. And I wish this kind of material wasn’t out there for them, the “Who you are at this moment isn’t good enough to be loved, so pretend!” message is not something they need to hear.

  20. Maddy June 9, 2010 at 8:05 am #

    It’s sad that people feel that they need to “trick” or manipulate a person into a relationship. Chances are if you’re doing all that, then a relationship with that person is probably not a good thing. That’s not to say that a relationship isn’t A LOT of work, but I also believe in showing your true colors so that you don’t waste each other’s time prentending to be someone you’re not.

  21. imogenc June 9, 2010 at 9:50 am #

    Totally with you, on that one! In fact that was a post I could have written myself…

    I’ve always said that I’m too nice for my own good but, despite the MANY times I’ve been screwed over, refuse to change into something I despise, just to get a man.

    I’m sure someone who will see and appreciate me for what I truly am is bound to turn up eventually…

    Here’s to both of us, for sticking to our guns so to speak ;)

  22. clairesuzanne June 9, 2010 at 11:52 am #

    That sounds like the worst dating advice I’ve ever heard. I don’t think I’d really want to fall for a guy who’s into bitches in the first place.

  23. Stephany June 9, 2010 at 4:12 pm #

    I agree with you wholeheartedly, 100%. Like Ashley, I can come off as an ice queen and someone who is snobby. I’m incredibly shy and it takes a while for me to warm up to people. But once I do, you take a statement that “I’m shy” and you scoff at it.

    But I just don’t have it in my nature to be a bitch. And I don’t want to be one. I don’t see the point and it just brings negativity into my life. I want to be ME and portray the true essence of who I am, not some fabricated me in order to “get the guy.” And truthfully, a guy who is attracted to a bitch is not someone I would ever want to be with.

  24. OG June 9, 2010 at 7:14 pm #

    I have really enjoyed reading all of the comments on this post. I will tell you that I am the same way you are. I’d rather be true to myself and have somebody who wants me for who I am, rather than the games I play – and I want a woman who handles herself in the same way.

    That being said…Those stupid little games work, because you are always kind of intruiged by somebody who doesn’t really need you. So if I am on the fence about somebody – if I can’t really see myself with them – those games have a tendency to pull me in a little farther than I would normally go.

  25. OG June 9, 2010 at 7:14 pm #

    P.S. First male comment….hollllah!

  26. Elizabeth June 9, 2010 at 7:35 pm #

    I imagine it would be exhausting having to pretend to be a bitch long enough to get the (very, very wrong) guy, though if someone did it long enough, it might become a real thing, which sucks. Games aren’t worth it.

  27. Kyla Roma June 9, 2010 at 7:49 pm #

    I just re-read my comment and I’m sorry that it doesn’t appear to be in English lol
    You know what I meant, right? *looks embarrassed* :)

  28. Akirah June 10, 2010 at 11:56 am #

    I think it’s important to be yourself because you want a guy who likes you as yourself. But I think it’s also important to be a little mysterious. I think men like bitches over nice girls because there’s a little mystery involved. Bitches make them wonder “why isn’t she all over me?” Bitches make them work a little harder. When dating, I think it’s good to channel your inner bitch and not fawn over every man you date.

    I don’t think that’s playing games…I think that’s making them work a little bit because you’re worth it.

    I’m a little cynical right now when it comes to love, so I’m probably a little bitchy. But I think when I meet the right guy, it’ll all just fall into place. That’s what I’m hoping for, anyway.

  29. Jessica June 12, 2010 at 11:01 pm #

    I’m exactly like you in that I’m a nice girl. I do the same things; I call a guy back. I take initiative and text them and such. I don’t see anything wrong with it. Although, I don’t have a man so who knows!

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