Within a Year

27 Oct

It’s been almost a year since I wrote this post.

It’s been almost a year since my heart was broken into more little bits than I thought possible, before my world-as-I-knew-it collapased, before I had to redefine my future, redefine myself, redefine my beliefs.

For awhile everything felt like an uphill battle. I went to work because it was a distraction from the pain. I slept because it was a distraction from a pain. Laughing seemed like a chore. The holidays came and went in a bit of a blur despite  my family doing everything they could to pull me through. I didn’t hang out with my friends who were couples because it was too painful a reminder of what I’d lost.  

Guys hit on me; I had to try not to laugh because it just felt so wrong. These guys didn’t know that I have crazy food allergies or that my favorite candy is Junior Mints or that after a long week sometimes I want to put on sweats, eat pizza and watch 30 Rock repeats. They weren’t him.

I went on dates; I’d cry on the way home. I didn’t even tell people about the dates because they were hardly newsworthy. They weren’t him either.

I signed up for online dating this past spring but canceled the whole thing when it asked if I liked video games – something we used to do together – which caused me to sob uncontrollably. I wasn’t ready yet.

I went into a no-dating cocoon, I threw myself into school, into 10 mile race training (and then 10K race training), into friends and family, into reading, into traveling, into positive passion, into any distraction I could think of so that maybe one day I’d wake up and feel whole again. It worked, at least 95% of the time.

It’s been almost a year. In that time I grew; I learned; I processed; I got over it. I got over us.

Now I laugh hard and I laugh often.  I do things because I want to do them, not because I’m trying to mask the pain. I sleep less because reality is better than dreamland. I’m truly happy. I smile often and my eyes are shining.

I’ve nearly recovered, or as much as one can recover from heartbreak. Sometimes I wonder if we ever fully recover, or if we just patch up the hole in our heart and hope that we meet someone else who can fill those spaces of our mind, body and soul where others once were. Where others should be. Where others will inevtiably be someday. And maybe this time they won’t leave.  

That’s where I stand today. With a heart full of love and passion to give with a few holes here and there, ready for someone else…


27 Responses to “Within a Year”

  1. Megan October 27, 2010 at 5:42 am #

    I’m so glad that you’ve made it to this part of your life. You deserve happiness, no matter where you find it. :)

  2. ria October 27, 2010 at 7:29 am #

    it’s amazing what can change in a year. it’s wonderful that you are laughing wholeheartedly again. you deserve to be happy :)

  3. mandy October 27, 2010 at 7:57 am #

    I’m glad that this past year has been healing for you. You’ve come so far and through it all you never lost the qualities that make you a wonderful, amazing person and friend. I think we just sort of patch up those holes in our hearts left by others and move on, never really the same again.

  4. Jennifer October 27, 2010 at 8:37 am #

    Wow, it’s already been a year?!?

    You seem very happy in your current state. I wish I would have been a better friend when you were going through everything. Sometime soon we will really have to meet up at El Maguey’s!

  5. Becky October 27, 2010 at 8:47 am #

    What a difference a year makes.

  6. Kyla Roma October 27, 2010 at 8:54 am #

    This is so beautiful! The difference is so huge- especially so when, when these things happen, it feels like they’ll go on for a hundred years.

    I’m so glad that you’re at this place of wholeness again! Finished school, finished with hurting, and ready for a whole new year’s worth of wonder.

    Consider this a mammoth e-hug :)

  7. Lisa from Lisa's Yarns October 27, 2010 at 9:10 am #

    This was such a great reflection on what has been such a trying and tough year for you. You have learned so much and grown so much, though! I am proud of you!

    I remember feeling the same way that year after Ryan and I broke up. I wondered when I would genuinely laugh and smile again – it always felt so forced. But eventually I did get to the point where i could laugh. I did smile. And I had hope again. Which is such an important thing!!

  8. Ris October 27, 2010 at 9:35 am #

    This post is just beautiful. I’m glad you’re in a happy place now!

  9. Lauren October 27, 2010 at 9:47 am #

    Wow! Was that really a year ago? I can remember our talks about it. Both of us were sad and not quite okay.

    I’m so happy for you and your happiness! You have done amazing things in the past year. Is it strange to look back on? FINISHED school, FINISHED 10k, travel, happiness – it’s all awesome!

    Keep on, keepin’ on. And don’t you just sort of wish that every heartbroken girl could finally get to this place of peace? It’s a dang good feeling!

  10. closetrockstar October 27, 2010 at 10:16 am #

    This is a beautiful post and you’ve come out so much better on the other end. It is SUCH a cliche, but sometimes it really is true that what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger. That was clearly the case with you. Heartbreak is never easy, and I’m so sorry you had to endure that. But you are a lovely, caring, funny, intelligent person that I’m so happy to have met :)

  11. Suburban Sweetheart October 27, 2010 at 11:39 am #

    Nora, this is perfect & beautiful & painful but mostly just perfect. And hopeful. And I hope you find that new person. But I know you will, whenever it may be. And when you do, there will be so much to offer & receive & so many new memories to make. And you’ll absolutely deserve it all. <3

  12. Kathleen October 27, 2010 at 12:47 pm #

    My worst heartbreak happened my senior year of college, and I was super depressed for a couple of months. After that I was over the hump, but it took years to really move on. Just like it’s so hard to lose those last few pounds to reach your goal weight.

    I’m married now, but if I see a mention about my ex on Facebook or hear something about him through a mutual friend, it still gives me a pang. I still don’t think I ever want to see him again, and I still have a hard time wishing him happiness.

    It sounds like you’ve made a ton of progress though, and I’m so happy that you’re happy again. :)

  13. Amber from Girl with the Red Hair October 27, 2010 at 1:19 pm #

    I just went back and re-read your old post. I can’t believe it’s been almost a year now. Wow.

    I guess that just goes to show that the only thing that will ever heal you is time. I am so happy you’ve gotten to this place that you are now and I’m so excited for your next step :)

  14. Ashalah October 27, 2010 at 2:28 pm #

    Time really does heal all wounds and it’s amazing what a year will do. I’m so glad you’re in a good place now :)

  15. Habbala October 27, 2010 at 2:49 pm #

    My favorite part is the “…” at the end. Hahahahahahahahahahaha.


  16. Elizabeth October 27, 2010 at 3:02 pm #

    You’ve come out of this so gracefully. So much has changed for you this year, and it seems like it can only get better from here.

  17. RL October 27, 2010 at 3:20 pm #

    Healing, like breathing and eating, is a sure sign that life is going on. And the healing is forever and the love that follows the healing is forever and the risk of more pain is forever. The whole chase is such a rush and seems to be wrapped inside our double-helix somewhere. So, continue the DNA way and seek your true love. Destiny is magnetic. Life is majestic. Onward, always onward. Go for it, get it and turn it slowly in the sunlight to savor the gem and all its aspects. End of rant!

  18. Stephany October 27, 2010 at 6:35 pm #

    Love this. I wasn’t reading your blog when this happened, but it seems as if this was a battle but you’ve come out of it fighting. You’re an amazing, beautiful person and I can’t wait to see what’s next for you.

  19. katelin October 27, 2010 at 7:35 pm #

    you are one amazing lady and i’m so glad you laugh more now, because seriously laughing is magical.

    that and the way you’ve gotten over it all is just so admirable and heart break is never easy and really i have no wise words except that i love this post.

  20. Maddy October 28, 2010 at 10:04 am #

    I’m so happy that you’re ready to love again! And I’m so glad you had the courage to share your story with us. I think people are afraid of “falling apart” after a relationship, but sometimes it’s the push we need to really discover another part of ourselves :)

  21. Kim October 28, 2010 at 2:53 pm #

    What a beautiful post. I’m glad you’re in a better spot now!

  22. Allison October 28, 2010 at 3:06 pm #

    Congrats to you for pulling through! I just found your blog and think it’s great. I love your honest style of writing!

  23. impossiblyalice October 28, 2010 at 3:38 pm #

    Oh wow, this post speaks to me so much. I had a relationship that I started in university. I thought that we were perfect together and he did too. Then time came along. He grew one way and I grew another way and I was not willing to accept it. He broke up with me and I was completely destroyed. EVERYTHING reminded me of him. I even get extremely ill that summer (breakup was in spring) and most people account it to the breakup.

    Fast forward 6 or 7 years to almost the day yesterday (I don’t quite remember how old I Was when we broke up anymore!). I saw him at a wedding with his wife who is cousins with the groom. I am friends with the groom. I was 7 months pregnant and there with my husband and a ton of my friends. I thought before that I would never find anyone else. I thought that he was it. I didn’t think anyone else could make me as happy as he did. But you know what? I am happier and complete now. Seeing him brought back some old feelings of regret but he doesn’t fit who I am anymore.

  24. Ashley October 29, 2010 at 1:17 am #

    Thanks for this, Nora. It’s beautifully written and something I needed to read.

  25. hannahkaty October 30, 2010 at 12:19 pm #

    Love everything about this post. And so sad that I have been missing out on you lately. This needs to change quite immediately.

  26. Meaghen October 31, 2010 at 8:57 am #

    It’s crazy how much can change in a year isn’t it? Good for you for taking the time to heal propertly. I know horrible a broken heart is, however I’m new to your blog and don’t know your story. Good luck out there. There definitely is someone for you!

  27. Dream in Grey November 1, 2010 at 10:16 am #

    Happy new you in your transitioning year – healing and learning who you are is so important x

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